Well, I received an email from Tin Shed, the New Zealand company from which we procured the Possum Fur Nipple Warmers that we gave away last month on Rick and Len’s Weird or Wonderful. They asked me to provide a review of their product. So, I did.
Dear Tin Shed of New Zealand.
Just thought I’d take a minute to tell you what I thought about the Possum Fur Nipple Warmers, manufactured by Possum Pam, that I recently purchased.
First off, you should probably know that I suffer from a rare congenital condition known as “Frigus clara mamillis” or as it’s better known in non-medical circles; Chilly Nipples; sometimes called Witches Nips. For someone like me, your possum fur nipple warmers are nothing less than a god send. Typically, my affected nipples have a resting temperature between 78.3 and 81.5 degrees. Way too cold for a red-blooded American male like myself.
However, within 30 minutes of attaching your possum fur nipple warmers to my poor, shivering pencil erasers, they were warm as a shot of Tennessee whiskey. And in 40 minutes my shivering nips even began to sweat. As proof, I’ve enclosed this small vial of my very own nipple sweat for your enjoyment. Should you require any additional nipple sweat for whatever reason, just say so. We’re all friends here.
Warning: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES drink the nipple sweat. At this point, my nipple sweat is NOT FDA approved any may contain trace elements of a topical high-powered anabolic steroid prescribed by doctors to treat my low temp teats.
Secondly, allow me to compliment you on your choice of possum as your source of nipple fur. I found it to be soft and gentle to the touch which is much welcome given the fact that the topical high-powered anabolic steroid cream I’ve been applying has left them raw and inflamed. The gossamer like softness of the possum-hair is a welcome change from the coarseness of the musk ox, wart hog and yak hair used by your competitors that have resulted in redness, chaffing and shame.
Finally, let me tell you how happy I was to learn that you have chosen as your exclusive possum fur nipple warmer vendor; Possum Pam, who I understand has been making Possum Fur Nipple Warmers since 1983. The experience that one can only glean by making superior quality nipple warmers from the finest, high grade possums for over 35 years is irreplaceable. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve fallen victim to fly-by-night possum fur nipple warmer manufacturers and their inferior possum fur nipple warmers.
My only complaint is the fact that you only sell your possum fur nipple warmers in sets of two since I only recently grew a third, frankly, useless nipple on my forehead, just about my left eye. Oh, how I would love to have one of your possum fur nipple warmers to cover this freakish and misplaced protuberance and make it less noticeable. But I sadly can’t justify buying another pair only to have one go to waste. However, in the event of another nipple magically springing forth from some other part of my body, I will spare not a minute to order another pair of your marsupial hair aureola toasters.
Yours in hot nipples.
Rick McNeal
