THINGS I DID ON VACATION
10. Worked on creating a solar butt plug that is powered by the light at the end of the user’s own tunnel.
9. Tried my hand at profiteering by attempting to sell marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers at artificially inflated prices to residents of Maui.
8. Swapped penis pics with Hunter Biden. (Just for my collection of sons’ of presidents penis pictures. I’ve got David Eisenhower, Kermit Roosevelt, Ron Reagan Junior, Eric Trump, Harry Garfield)
7. Was participating in a unique United Nations’ cultural exchange program that enabled me to travel around the world farting on babies of many countries and cultures.
6. Spent several days as volunteer cuddle buddy and good luck charm for the US women’s national soccer team.
5. Tried to take my own doll to see the Barbie movie but got kicked out when other moviegoers complained that they were distracted by the sounds of me inflating her.
4. Hung out in LA hoping to catch Britney Spears on the rebound.
3. Was down in Nashville splitting a sixer of Bud light with Kid Rock.
2. Ran into Patriots coach Bill Belichick and tried to convince him that no matter how much he enjoys cheating, getting a four-point lead, and then convincing your opponent to agree to call the game after having one of your players fake a serious injury is no way to win.
1. Was helping producers at FOX 11 to develop program to replace that Amy Hanten cooking show with, sure to be more popular, Cooking with Uncle Fester.
