DIETARY ADVICE FROM TOMMY THOMPSON.

10. Meet your target of 5 to 9 daily servings of fruits or vegetables by having one olive in each martini.

9. Add more roughage to your diet by not taking little stray bits of cork out of your wine before drinking it.

8. Cut sugary sodas out of your diet by replacing the Coke in your rum and Coke with more rum.

7. Add more greens to your diet by only drinking that beer they serve on St. Patrick’s Day.

6. Avoid unhealthy, high cholesterol breakfast foods like bacon, sausage, and eggs and by being too hung-over in the morning to eat.

5. The Dietary Guidelines for Americans recommends an adult male consume up to 7 serving of grains per day and the last time we checked barley was grain.

4. Gravy adds hundreds of empty calories while raising cholesterol. Avoid the fatty, gelatinous meat sauce by only consuming potatoes in the form of vodka.

3. After polishing off a bottle of mescal, only eat the worm if it’s lean.

2. By adding a just a couple ice cubes to each serving, you can meet your goal of consuming 8 cups of water daily by drinking just 64 glasses of scotch per day.

1. Add more fiber to your diet by eating the purple cloth bag after polishing off bottles of Crown Royal.