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4.14.08
While campaigning in Scranton, PA this weekend, Hillary Clinton started actually knocking on doors to solicit votes. The tactic seems to have been quite effective in boosting:
a. Hillary’s polling numbers.
b. her popularity with the voters she met.
c. the sale of guard dogs.
Sunday, the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers employed a helicopter to fly low over Fox Cities stadium to disperse the puddles on the field. The technique:
a. proved effective.
b. was exciting to watch.
c. could also be used in downtown Fond du Lac to blow off the urine from downtown bar-goers.
Blockbuster has reportedly offered as much as 1.3 billion dollars to buy electronics retail chain Circuit City. Before the purchase is finalized, Blockbuster shareholders should know that:
a. Circuit City’s sales figures in the first quarter of 2008 have been soft.
b. The company’s share price has dropped about $17.00 since last year.
c. if they want to return it, they’ll have to pay a 15% restocking fee.
A communications company is developing a new cell phone that holds 16 scented cartridges that can mix basic fragrances to create 200 different aromas. Other customers can then call their cell phones with fragrance recipes which will then be mixed and be released into the air by the phone to create a relaxing atmosphere for the user. The phone is expected to be very popular with:
a. young lovers.
b. older women.
c. idiots! Total frickin’ idiots!
A family in Camden Township, Ohio returned home Sunday morning to find that while they were out, someone had entered their house, sifted through their bills and defecated in their laundry basket. This answers the question:
a. Why should you always lock your doors?
b. Are their sickos in Ohio?
c. Whatever happened to former Green Bay Packer Najeh Davenport?
Filming finally started in Oshkosh this weekend on the 1930’s crime drama Public Enemies. The greatest challenge that faced film makers was:
a. keeping crowds quiet.
b. rerouting traffic away from downtown.
c. modernizing Oshkosh enough to look like the 1930’s.
3.27.08
Following Hillary Clinton’s admission that she was wrong when she claimed she had come under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia in 1996, her opponent Barrack Obama responded by saying:
a. "It was a simple mistake that could be made by anyone".
b. "We shouldn’t blow the incident out of proportion".
c. "Liar, liar. Pantsuit on fire!"
In an effort to distance himself from Jeremiah Wright, his hate spewing former pastor, Barrack Obama has:
a. condemned the pastor’s remarks.
b. referred the comments as being nothing more than "stupid".
c. announced that if elected he will put a man on Venus by 2010 and sent Wright a really bitchin’ space suit.
An 18 year old Appleton East student, Jon Gabrielson, who is running for Mayor of Appleton, told the Post Crescent this week that he is "proof that ANYONE can run for office". What Gabrielson doesn’t understand is:
a. people want a mayor with more experience.
b. it takes money to run.
c. that proof that ANYONE can run for office has already been conclusively supplied by his opponent.
Brown County officials are considering selling the naming rights for the new Brown County Mental Health Center. Any CEO that would like their company’s name associated with mental health problems should:
a. be prepared to write a massive check.
b. contact County Executive Tom Hinz.
c. check in immediately.
Officials have already rejected one bid for the Mental Health Center naming rights because it came from:
a. A firm that didn’t offer enough money.
b. A corporation whose involvement could be construed as a conflict of interest.
c. The Fisher Nut Company.
The Appleton Post Crescent has launched their new web site. The site features the same Post Crescent reporting with a more colorful presentation. Giving the paper a new look is:
a. necessary to compete in the 21st century.
b. just part of looking contemporary and cutting edge.
c. like putting lipstick on a whore.
A new study shows a possible connection between having a big belly and dementia. If this were true:
a. overweight people would be wise to start exercising both their bodies and their minds.
b. Wisconsin should prepare for a higher incidence of Alzheimer’s.
c. "Spiders. I see big hairy spiders!!!!"
2.05.2008
A check-out clerk at a Safeway Grocery Store in Washington D.C. says she has no plans to retire despite turning 85 years old this week. You can tell you’re too old to be working in a grocery store if:
a. you can no longer keep up with the frantic pace.
b. you’re more wrinkled than the prunes.
c. when you ask customers if they prefer "paper or plastic" you’re talking about colostomy bags.
After catching the game winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl, New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burriss said the game wouldn’t have even been close if he had been:
a. healthier.
b. better utilized.
c. guarded by Al Harris.
Former Packer James Lofton is reportedly close to signing a deal to be Wide Receivers Coach for the Oakland Raiders. Apparently, following the Raiders 4 and 12 season they felt they needed a coach who knew how take his knowledge of the game and:
a. impart it to younger players.
b. explain the practical applications.
c. ram it down their throats.
A 62 year old grandmother in Oakland Park, Florida was arrested this week after police found her with 4 bags of cocaine hidden in her bra. Police became aware that she had coke in her bra when:
a. one of the bags fell out.
b. one of her grandchildren tipped them off.
c. one of the woman’s nipples was found lodged in Paris Hilton’s septum.
Today is Super Tuesday. Much like the Super Bowl:
a. it will dominate the day’s headlines.
b. an underdog may win.
c. New York and Massachusetts are participating but nobody around here cares because we’re not in it.
Last week, Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama for president. Kennedy is expected to help the Obama campaign by:
a. making speeches on his behalf.
b. appearing in a TV commercial.
c. driving Hillary home at night.
(Remember that bridge Bill said he was going to build to the 21st century…well, it seemed like a good idea to Hillary until she found out Teddy was driving her across it!)
According to The Rocky Mountain News, prostitutes are already converging on Denver in preparation for this summer’s Democratic National Convention. From this we can deduce that:
a. Democrats are a bunch of sex obsessed deviants.
b. prostitutes prey on the sad and lonely.
c. whether his wife gets the nomination or not, Bill Clinton will be attending the convention!
Meanwhile, officials in Minneapolis are preparing for this summer’s Republican national convention by:
a. doubling the number of hotel rooms.
b. doubling the number of church services.
c. doubling the number of stalls in the airport men’s room.
While there are a lot of similarities between politicians and prostitutes, the biggest difference is:
a. prostitutes sell their asses instead of just talking out of them.
b. politicians only blow our money.
c. there are some things prostitutes won’t do for money.
d. all of the above.
1.31.2008
A judge has ruled that the Wisconsin Department of Corrections can continue to force feed a naked prisoner who’s on a hunger strike. The prisoner is:
a. protesting living conditions.
b. making a point about our justice system.
c. not the first man in prison to have something rammed down his throat against his will.
Sunday, opposite the Super Bowl, Animal Planet will air Puppy Bowl 4. The theory behind the broadcast is:
a. dog lovers aren’t football fans.
b. people will skip the Super Bowl in favor of watching cute, cuddly-wuddly puppies.
c. even 22 dogs who haven’t been house-trained couldn’t stink up a football field any worse that the Packers did a week ago Sunday.
A German travel firm has begun offering flights where nudists are allowed to fly naked. The naked flights will enable:
a. passengers to feel unrestricted and free.
b. security personnel to check for weapons without using x-ray machines.
c. all of you to make up your own "cockpit" joke.
This week, a New York city hotel unveiled a special room made entirely out of chocolate. I’d love to stay their because:
a. I have a sweet tooth.
b. I’m a fan of modern design.
c. for once, when I checked out of a hotel I’d have an excuse for leaving those brown stains on the sheets.
Britney Spears was taken from her home by ambulance early Thursday morning. Britney was allegedly taken to:
a. a rehab center to treat a drug and alcohol problem.
b. a sanitarium to deal with her mental health issues.
c. a gynecologist's office to teach her that the proper use of a douche bag isn’t marrying it. |
