If the last time you had an accident, the bag that deployed was the one from your colostomy.

If the silhouette woman in the bikini on your mud flaps is Angela Lansbury…you might be too old to drive.

If not even your garage door will go up without Cialis… you might be too old to drive.

If the in-dash stereo in your car only plays 78’s… you might be too old to drive.

If you know that a 78 is a record… you might be too old to drive.

If you are less likely to leave skid marks on the road than in your undies… you might be too old to drive.

If not only do you remember when Calvin Coolidge was president, you’ve had your right turn signal on since his 2nd term… you might be too old to drive.

If you’ve ever used the words "whipper" and "snapper" in the same sentence and you weren’t writing a letter to Penthouse …you might be too old to drive.

If the Jesus on your dashboard won’t even leave the driveway without fastening his seat belt…you might be too old to drive.

And if your Social Security card has the same number of digits as other drivers are flipping at you…you’re definitely too old to drive.